My final updates for 2020 as drafted earlier, on 31/12/20.
It is the year I’m no longer confused as I learn and relearn so many things, and I get to live a private life without any expectations. I just want to believe the purpose of my life, revising the years I spent on talking to the wrong God, as Cora once said to Harry: “ I grew up with God in my house. All he brought was more pain.” And he replied, “Then you were talking to the wrong God. That’s all.”
It’s not an easy journey but I’m not complaining. And if I could, I won’t be sorry for pushing people away in order to fix my mould. As people would say it, I’m an animal. How much I long for forgiveness to myself, they say, I don’t deserve any chance to fix the mess I once got myself into.
Some days I woke up feeling demotivated as I looked back at myself, and I was the only person to be blamed on. I told myself to go so that I could carry all the blame in this world while I owned up to my mistakes. I wanted to go before everyone else’s decided to leave.
I just understand it that people are going to leave the moment they think: “You’re no longer a human whenever you’re agreeing to your sins.” I acknowledge them as far as I know but I don’t think I owe anyone any explanation.
I accepted all the decisions I made to myself. I’m not proud of my sins, I’m just another sinner. We all are sinners after all and we all judge people based on the level of sins they commit, don’t we?
At least I have another room to breathe for all the courage I took to finally see this life from another perspective, even though I had to break so many hearts of whom I love so much. I grow up with a broken heart and I don’t think anyone else could break me ever again.
I’m learning to keep my circle smaller and how proud I am to have my family and (some) friends closer. I counted it; I only have three important friends by now heh.
If you read this, I’m apologising for the months I spent on ignoring your texts or calls. I’m sorry for not being there whenever you thought I was important. I’m sorry that I only keep things to myself now that I learn to expect nothing from people.
Even though we don’t talk that much anymore and saying sorry is never enough, believe me, I always pray for you no matter the distance. Please know that when I’m away, I’m not always gone.