Motherhood

I talk about death now that I realise
there are people in my life
whom I love so much
whom I’m afraid of hurting
and I’m not ready to lose them.

I learn and unlearn so many things
as I dream my guilts away.
The day God took you
was the day I stopped from believing
whose heart I must protect
whose life is worth to die for.
So I let many people go
wishing they could grow.

Here in my heart growls another beat
as I play them on repeat.
How young I was the day I lost faith
how slow it became the years I spent
on grieving, asking myself:
Do I need to keep you in my prayers?
Living this life as it should be
the way you’d always wanted it?

To be someone loving or forgiving
is the only thing I could afford to ask these days.
When life hits me everywhere
and I roll his cigarettes to sleep
I wonder why God took you forever.
If and only if you were here today
I’ll wait for you under the Sun
playing hide-and-seek with them kids.

I talk about death now that I realise
there are people in my life
whom I love so much
whom I’m afraid of hurting
and I’m not ready to lose them.

Now that I have kids
death is never the same to me.
It’s confusing, but effortless.
It’s all about ouch and mwah
never once pfft.
I want to be happy again
as I tell my inner wounded child:
Hey, this won’t hurt!
How soft their skins are
when they rush to hug me.
How pure magic, the way they squint
as we all dance to their favourite songs
wishing stay forever young.

I admit it, life isn’t about
counting sins or blessings.
No matter how much effort I put
into being happy, how many pennies
I’d spend on thinking
shaping or changing my mould,
I’m still the same person
as I was years before.
I still feel good
when I cry myself to sleep.

Perhaps, I finally found someone
who can hug my broken pieces into one.
Someone like him, who can kiss
all my sadness away
and tell me to take things slow:
Please don’t grow up, baby.
I could say for myself that I don’t need
a man or anyone to make me happy.

I’m just glad that I have someone
that in him I found my delayed prayer.
He paints the colours I lost in this life,
shapes me into someone stronger and
whispers magic spells to my wounded soul.
What more can I ask from God
if it isn’t for a happy family
and wonderful kids.

——

Revisiting wounds and lies from years before.